Hermione's Train of Thought Derails
by Revliledpembroke
Summary: Hermione is spending the summer after her fourth year in Grimmauld Place. With very little to do, she finds herself going off on a tangent that brings up a couple of questions she wants to ask the Marauders.
1. Grimmauld Place

AN: Some time ago I wondered why no one in universe wondered why they placed their trust in a rat but didn't trust the two creatures known for their loyalty to their pack. This short story it what came of it. I'm just playing around in JK's universe, and I doubt I could screw it up as much as she has already.

Hermione was currently living in one of the most detestable houses ever. It was dark, dreary, and incredibly depressing. It had one living occupant before she and the rest of the Order moved in and the poor thing was demented from long years of neglect, leaving the house to deteriorate. There was a violently loud and racist portrait that went off anytime anyone so much as sneezed near it. There were magical pests all over the place. The dust was so thick in some areas that you needed a bubblehead charm to breathe, and since she was currently underage, she spent a lot of time inhaling things that would wreak havoc on her lungs.

"Hmmm…. hopefully there's a magical cure for that somewhere. Yet another thing to put on my inventory of topics I need to research" she said to herself. With "magical lung cleaner" added to her list, she spent several seconds attempting to regain her train of thought.

"Oh, yes, how dreary this house is. I can see why Sirius ran away at a young age and why he hates to be kept here. How I wish I could do more for him. I know I helped saved his soul from the dementors, but I wish the poor man had never been imprisoned in the first place" she fervently whispered. Stupid Ministry. How could they just put him in prison? Why wasn't he asked about his alleged crimes? Why didn't James and Lily tell another person who their actual Secret Keeper was? What would have happened if the Death Eaters just said "Oh, let's just grab all of the other Marauders. Saves us trouble on finding their Secret Keeper"? At that point, they wouldn't have had to worry about one of their friends being the spy and ratting them out.

Wait a second, ratting them out? Why did they trust the rat Animagus with their secret? Weren't they aware of thousands of years of folklore that said rats were not trustworthy? Rats brought diseases, rats brought the plague, people say things like "You dirty rat, you ratted me out!", and they abandon sinking ships. But they were worried about Sirius or Remus being the spy? They turn into a dog and a wolf (though not a voluntary one). What are those creatures known for? Their loyalty!

Both dogs and wolves defend their packs above all else! It's why wolves were able to become domesticated in the first place, they redefined what their pack was and became dogs. Really, the only dogs that aren't loyal are the ones that are mistreated severely. Did either Lily or James mistreat Remus or Sirius? No, they probably wouldn't have, otherwise Remus and Sirius would not have such found memories of the deceased couple. So why were they worried?

Hermione decided she needed some answers. Unfortunately, she couldn't get all that she needed, not without calling up the spirits of Harry's parents, and she definitely didn't want to do that. It was illegal (and immoral), for one, and if she _was_ going to do it, she'd make sure she would do so when Harry was around to talk with them. Since he was still at the Durselys and Dumbledore wanted no one to speak with him, that wasn't an option. Not that it would work in the first place. It's an area of magic as reliable as Divination. Fortunately, she could ask a few questions of the last loyal Marauders.

Hermione made her way out of her bedroom, down the stairs, and into the "living" area where she knew Remus and Sirius were having a quiet drink, reminiscing about old times and fun pranks. She thought she saw the Weasley twins nearby. Maybe they were trying to steal some potential ideas from their heroes. She pitied the poor prefects who'd try to keep them in line this year.

She cleared her throat to gain the attention of her former professor and his friend, the innocent escaped criminal. They were so caught up in their recollections that they probably wouldn't have noticed a horde of Irish Quidditch hooligans having a three-hour celebratory drunken brawl, complete with the inevitable screeching cat sound of bagpipes. Or Ron snoring, whichever was louder. Surprisingly, that was a family trait, as sharing a room with Ginny for a few years allowed Hermione to gain a window into what it might be like to share a room with a loud snorer. Fortunately, Ginny's snoring was never very loud, it didn't shake the walls like Ron's did. What was she doing again? Oh right, Remus and Sirius.

"So much for their quiet drink" she muttered. Resigned, she reached over and shook Professor Lupin's arm lightly. "Professor? I have a few questions to ask you and Mister Black." Composing themselves was difficult, but they did manage eventually, though she still noticed an occasional twitter of laughter they were trying to suppress.

"Hermione, I've not been your professor for some time. Please, call me Remus" he prompted.

"Alright, Mister Lupin" replied Hermione

"She's got you there, Mister Lupin."

"Shut up, Sirius. Hermione, what's your question?"

"Why did any of you trust Peter with anything? You knew he was your hanger-on, following you three for protection, because you were the best in the school. You knew he was a rat and you also knew that he wasn't very brave. What, in that list, made him trustworthy?"

Silence fell as the pair fell into a deep melancholy, their earlier good mood entirely ruined. Several minutes passed while Remus and Sirius thought of an answer, though Sirius looked as if he wanted to leave the room to try and regain his rare good humor. Eventually, Remus spoke:

"Hermione, I'm not sure if you can conceive of a friend that you spent a good portion of your life protecting. We always included him, we made him feel welcome, and he helped defend us when we did get into fights with the Slytherins. He was our little brother. James and Sirius were the eldest, and they got along the best. I was the studious middle child who couldn't say no to his two cool, elder brothers. I also needed them to drag me outside to have fun every once in a while. Peter, well, Peter was the youngest and we all looked out for him. You are never really prepared to be betrayed by family."

Hermione thought about that for a while before she continued her diatribe. "But rats abandon sinking ships. Doesn't that sound like your side fighting Voldemort? And how could they suspect you two? How could you suspect each other? Aren't wolves and dogs incredibly loyal to their pack, defending it to the death? Shouldn't that make you beyond reproach?"

Sirius popped up with his two Knuts. "Hermione, while you have some good points, we never thought to connect our animal forms to our personalities. We had no reason to do so until long after everything had already happened. We knew McGonagall was a cat, but we didn't really see any connection to her personality. Though, now that I think of it, she does seem a bit cold and aloof, but we all knew she loved us."

"Sirius, focus"

"What? Oh, thanks Remus. We were young and stupid. It was inconceivable to any of us that we could betray one another. Like Remus said, family is beyond repute. Well, members of this family were. I could see that Blacks betraying each other, but those are just people I share blood with. I chose the Marauders: James, me, Remus, and Peter… and it seems that we chose poorly. Bloody rat."

"Sirius, you still have one old friend left. Don't do anything stupid, huh? Who would show the Weasley twins who the real masters of pranking are?" Remus asked pointedly

"Remus, you're on. OI! FRED! GEORGE! PRANK WAR!" shouted Sirius.

"Sirius I do believe"

"-that you are speaking our language."

"YOU'RE ON!" said the twins, shouting in unison.

"Wait a second, that's not what I-" Remus tried to interject.

"Oh, come on, you old stick-in-the-mud. Let's have some fun!" Sadly, Sirius was having none of it and hauled his old friend off the coach and out of the room.

As the Marauders left the room to discuss the terms of the prank war with the twins, Hermione sat down and considered what she heard. She guessed that she couldn't see someone like Neville, who she and Ron and Harry all felt sorry for and tried to help him where they could, betraying her if she had a deep secret. She supposed it must have been the same thing, obvious clues in hindsight notwithstanding. She ruminated a bit more before what the twins and the Marauders said actually percolated through her head. Prank war? Now she was worried, would the house survive until Harry arrived?

Somehow it did. The pranksters really did some wonderful charms, enchantments, and potions work. She simply had to ask them how they did all of them. Making Mrs. Black sound like the Divination professor in the time of the Marauders? Instead of "Mudbloods and half-breeds" the portrait instead ranted about "the Inner Eye" and "crystal balls." Brilliant. Sadly, Kreecher reversed it and they couldn't make another one stick.

Everyone else was thoroughly annoyed at the pranksters and Snape looked even more murderous than usual. And into all of this tense atmosphere Harry arrived, and he somehow managed to ratchet the tension up even higher, until he finally exploded. Hermione was sure the whole house could hear him and she really wished to was old enough to cast a silencing charm to prevent his shouts from escaping.

Ah well, all in a day's work of a best friend to a celebrity.

AN: I don't think I need anything Britpicked, but I am an ignorant American, so maybe I do.


	2. Harry Derails Hermione- Updated

AN: This one fought me all the way. Here's a very short addition to this story. Hope you enjoy!

Harry Potter all belongs to JK. She can keep it too.

"I just cannot believe the nerve of some people! How could they think that the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare could possibly be called SPEW? It's clearly S.P.E.W!" ranted Hermione, obviously in a tizzy.

"Err, Hermione, haven't you considered that they are calling it SPEW because nobody spells out acronyms that make a word or something pronounceable?" provided Harry.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there's NATO. No one calls that N.A.T.O, do they? There's also SCUBA, which isn't S.C.U.B.A. There is the B.B.C, but that no one wants to try to turn that into a word. Maybe you shouldn't make an acronym that makes a word with negative things connected to it?" suggested Harry.

"But that's the best name I could come up with!" exclaimed Hermione.

"What was the worst name you came up with?" Harry asked, horrified.

"Teaching Idiots how to Treat Beings like Our Outstanding Beautiful Selves." Hermione said quietly.

"TITBOOBS! Ahahahaha! How did you not notice that immediately!? I mean, honestly, TITBOOBS?" mocked Harry.

"I was focused on the message, not what it spelled!" said an embarrassed Hermione. "Fine, if you're so clever, what would you name it then?" she challenged.

"Why not name it 'Elfish Rights Association'? Or 'Elfish Civil Rights Group'? Or the much simpler 'Elfish Rights Group'?" Harry asked reasonably.

"Oh…I hadn't thought of that."

"Clearly. I don't know how it's possible someone as intelligent as you can be so stupid in this area. Honestly, did you really think anyone would call it S.P.E.W? You made it spell a word! It's even better than something like PETA or SCUBA, which are just letters that can be said as a word, because it's an actual word."

"I know Harry, you don't have to keep rubbing it in."

"Wait a second, why would we use Elfish? How did Elfish become the proper form? Elvish sounds infinitely better. As if your acronym wasn't confusing enough, someone might think you meant an L-fish, some bizarre sea creature that is formed like the letter L." Harry ranted.

"I hardly see how that's relevant, Har-" Hermione tried to say, but Harry was on a roll.

"So, that would make the new name the 'Elvish Rights Group.' Wait, no, it wouldn't, because 'Elvish Rights Group goes from 'E R G' to 'ERG' and that isn't pretty. Maybe the 'Elvish Civil Rights Group' isn't too bad. Though, I think "The Society for the Promotion of Elvish Civil Rights" sounds very prestigious and proper. SPEC-R? Pronounceable after a fashion, but not related to any negative words or ideas. How does that sound to you, Hermione? Hermione? Where did you go? Hermione?" Harry called as he walked away, searching for where his friend could have disappeared to.

Meanwhile, Hermione hurried from the scene, eager to stop being so thoroughly embarrassed by Harry because she couldn't come up with a better name than SPEW. "Wait, no, now I'm doing it! Bloody hell, Harry! S.P.E.W! THERE!"

"Are you alright, Hermione?" asked a very confused Ron. He was actually working on his homework for once, when Hermione barges in, muttering under her breath before randomly shouting. He was honestly a bit concerned for her.

"Fine, Ron. Harry just went all mental abou and got me all worked up about it. No big deal."

"Wait… Harry went mental about SPEW-"

"S.P.E.W, Ronald"

"Right, SPEW, and he got you all worked up about it?"

"Congratulations Ronald, you got it."

"Huh… isn't that supposed to be the opposite of what happens? You're supposed to drive us mental-"

"Say one more word, Ronald Bilius Weasley, and I will make it my mission to drive you to a level of crazy so far beyond the rest of us that you think that Dumbledore is the classiest and snappiest dresser that you have ever seen." Hermione said in a very quiet voice.

"Yes, Hermione."

As Hermione left the room, Ron sat back and thought to himself. He came to the conclusion that, in his own words, "Hermione was scary sometimes. Brilliant, but scary."

AN: Oh, and the acronyms are spaced out without their normal periods in between them because I've seen Fanfic do terrible things to stories that attempt to leave the periods in. People talking about their O. and N.E tests instead of their OWLS and NEWTS. Spacing it out made it simpler, in my mind, to differentiate between saying it as a whole and pronouncing the individual letters.

EDIT: Aaaaaaaaaand it did terrible things with my attempt to leave the periods out. Stupid website. Sorry for any confusion this caused.


End file.
